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  • Writer's pictureMeera

How will I ever repay you?

Updated: Apr 15, 2023

It’s enigmatic how music can reach the depth of your heart and shake you within to bring forth the emotions you didn’t know you were capable of experiencing.

This is the account of a time when listening to music brought out the devotee in me. This incident occurred during my weekend alone at home. While I enjoy my company, it is often difficult for me to fall asleep alone. It was nearly 1 o'clock, so I decided to read to pass the time. When I read, I like to listen to devotional music in the background. This time, I decided to try out some new music.

One YouTube recommendation after another led me to something new, a video titled “Ramayan Siddh Chaupaiyan" by Tulsidas. Saint Tulsidas Ji wrote this song as quadruped poems praising Lord Rama in the 16th century. I pressed the play button and resumed my reading.

There was something extraordinary about the music and the lyrics that drew me in. The soulful voices of the lead singers, combined with the rhythm of the dholak, cymbal, sitar, and flute, began to fill the room with positive energy. It's still a mystery to me how the song quickly began to affect me in ways I'd never felt before. I felt a heaviness in my chest after only a few minutes of listening to it. My eyes welled up with tears, and my throat tightened.

I couldn't take it any longer. I had to let go.

I threw my spectacles to the side and sobbed uncontrollably. Gurudev's image flashed before my eyes, and all I could think was,

how am I ever going to repay Gurudev for all that he has done for me?

I had tortured myself in countless ways and suffered every day until Gurudev took me under his wings and drenched me in his unconditional love and grace. “How will I ever repay you?” my voice echoed in my head repeatedly. “How will I ever repay you?”.

I continued to weep,

I don't know how long I wandered in this world before I found refuge in you! You have accepted me and led the way for someone as small-minded as myself. How am I going to repay you? How can I repay you for the divine wealth you have bestowed upon me unselfishly?

As I continued to shed tears, I was overcome with the feeling that even if I knelt before Gurudev, kissed his feet, and spent the rest of my life at his feet, it would not be enough to repay the debt I owed him! I imagined myself kneeling at his feet, happy tears streaming down my cheeks. At that moment, my mind became extraordinarily calm, and I was lifted to a realm where I long to go more than anywhere else.

As I returned to my senses, I tried to concentrate on my book, but a particular part of the song caught my attention and I couldn’t help but pause the video to read it. The lyrics read-

“Bandau Guru Pad Padum Paraga Suruchi Suvas Saras Anuraga Amiya Murimaya Churan Charu Sakal Suman Hara Ruja Parivaru”

I did not know what it meant, but something had pulled me toward those words. I needed to understand it. I googled it, and I found that it means,

"I worship the Lotus feet of my Guru, who is full of (is the abode of) the sweet nectar of Divine Love. He is like the Churna of the Sanjivani (Amar Mool), which cures all types of ailments that can afflict oneself in this world."

I was astounded. How could it be that the song I didn't understand had evoked the same thoughts and emotions in me as the writer had? It was as if the universe had reached out to me through that song, making me feel exactly what I needed to feel at the time. I felt more connected to one consciousness than I ever had before.

Love and gratitude are truly universal emotions. It also compelled me to think about the larger purpose of such devotional verses.Tulsidas ji composed these words 600 years ago, but they continue to inspire the souls of countless other seekers.

Many people have attempted to comprehend these verses philosophically, but I believe that only with Gurudev's grace could the emotions behind these verses be lived.


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